Thursday, April 19, 2012

A Crisis of Faith: A Dark Time

For about the last two years, I've struggled with my faith in God. During this time, I have had a lot of serious questions and doubts about things that I had otherwise always believed  as a Catholic. I have felt confused, alone, and at times, downright scared.

I've asked questions like: Does God really exist? Is Jesus really a Savior? And if so, WHY did we have to have a Savior?  And the Trinity? How can there really be three beings in one God?  

And don't even get me started on the Eucharist. We are consuming the actual body and blood of Jesus? 

To any answer I did come up with, I have followed them up with a, "But why?"

Being raised a Catholic, and always being a pretty active one at that, participating in church activities and even working at the church in college, I thought I had a good understanding of what my faith was all about.

And then all of a sudden, one day, I didn't. It seemed that I woke up one morning and realized that I didn't have anywhere close to the understanding I wanted in God or the faith I chose to belong to.

What made this happen?

Looking back at when this all started, it's clear that it came at a time when I was closely examining a couple of relationships in my life. They were relationships that I wanted to grow, but in reality, no matter how much I wanted it, that wasn't going to happen. This was a big disappointment to me and shook me to the point that I began to look at my other relationships more closely. My relationship with God was at the top of the list.

The first year that I began this examination, I had a lot of feelings of guilt, distress, and shame. I didn't really talk about it with anyone else except for my husband. I was afraid of being judged by others. Now, I see that as the judgment that I was putting on myself, not really because anyone else would have condemned me. I was projecting my feelings of insecurity on how I thought others would react.

During this time, I still went to Mass, but it became less of a priority for me. If it was inconvenient to go one weekend, I suggested we skip. It just felt easier that way. I avoided having conversations with God because I would feel horrible when I questioned if there was anyone there actually listening. I called myself a hypocrite, which made me feel worse, and drew me farther away from God.

It was a hopeless and dark place to be and I didn't know how to change it.

 To be continued...

I'm linking up with Shell today for Pour Your Heart Out.


  1. I think questioning can lead to faith being more real for us.

    1. I agree, Shell, and I'm praying that will be my result.

  2. Anxiously waiting for the next installment. Faith is deeply personal and can be quite elusive. No one should condemn another for questioning anything let alone God.

    1. Thank you! I'm also a person dealing with caring too much about what people think of me. I'm trying to let that mindset go and focus on where I want to be.

    2. Oh, and by the way, I plan on doing the next installment next week for Pour Your Heart Out.

  3. That is a difficult one, indeed.

    I find lots of comfort in prayer, whether crying my eyes out over feeling hurt, shouting at God for my discontent, peacefully praying or quietly listening to see what He has to say.

    I read a wonderful quote recently that really spoke to me, since I tend to have issues with independence and pride: Sometimes when we’re waiting for God to speak, He’s waiting for us to listen.

    Will pray for you in your journey.

    1. Thank you so much for your prayers. I like that quote. I think it is fitting for me in many ways. I feel I've been blessed to hear God at times and it's apparent that I only heard because I was ready to listen.